If I had a million dollars...

If I had a million dollars... I would get to try again... If I had a million dollars I would get to adopt.... If I had a million dollars I would not have to work and could stay in Colorado for more treatments..But unfortunately, I do NOT have a million dollars...tested again today and surprise surprise is was still NEGATIVE! I will still test tomorrow but we all know that it will be negative. I now only have a 1% chance that it will show up positive tomorrow.. and I am not good when it comes to 1% chances for something good to happen.. I only get the "wow, this is rare and only 1% of people get this, so sorry" I have heard that numerous times in my life...

What is strange is I feel like I have let all of you down.. I also feel horrible that I can not give my husband the one thing he always thought he would have a lot of.. When we got married he joked about wanting 10 kids..and my stupid body can not even give him one.. I would not blame him at all if he blamed me or felt some sort of resentment towards me.. I mean it the roles were reversed.. who knows, I might feel that way..

Just so you all do not ask.. because I am so sick of people asking.. No we can not try again (maybe next year when we get our taxes back again or if we could somehow fall into money.. but last time I checked out money tree it was not producing anything).. not unless you are going to pay for it and come to my house and take over my day care for the 3 weeks that I would need to be gone... (reminder: Dr. said because of the horrible circumstances from this past time he would need to monitor me from day 2.. which would mean I would be gone about 3 weeks and it would almost quadruple the coast)...and please oh please don't say we should ADOPT.. Don't you think we would LOVE to adopt.. but you have to send a $15,000.00 check with your application and that is just the beginning of the money you would have to fork out to wait to be picked...
Now, if anyone knows of someone who wants to give their baby up for adoption and not use an agency and would want to just use a lawyer we are very interested..

If you are wanting to say something please refer back to my very first post about what NOT to say to someone who is dealing with infertility.. and please DO NOT say you understand or know how I feel unless you have been trying to have a baby for 4 years have had 2 miscarriages and has to come to terms with never having a child..Unless that has happened to you.. you do NOT understand or know how I feel.. you may sympathize or feel sad for me.. but understanding what I am going through is something you should not say to me...

At least tomorrow night we are having good friends over for the UFC Fights.. So at least I can start my pity party in style with good drinks and good good and good friends..