Another cycle bites the dust...

Well, this cycle was a bust.. My monthly reminder that I am not pregnant showed her face.. I am devastated but have not cried.. I guess after so many years of every month getting upset you kind of become numb to it all... I think I have built up a barrier so I am not a mess... Now I guess we all can hope that some day either I fall into a bunch of money or maybe even randomly get pregnant on my own.. But I would suggest not holding your breath on that one..

Another one bites the dust...

At least we are having friends over tonight to watch the UFC Fights.. It should be a fun time with food and drinks and watching people beat the crap out of each other.. I would like to thank all of you for reading my blog it honestly makes me feel so good to know so many people are interested in my life and what it has in store for me... Just because I am not pregnant does not mean I will stop blogging.. I will continue to blog about whatever comes to my head... I have found blogging has been my therapy.. for everything..

PCOS ~"Thief of Womanhood "

If I had a million dollars...

If I had a million dollars... I would get to try again... If I had a million dollars I would get to adopt.... If I had a million dollars I would not have to work and could stay in Colorado for more treatments..But unfortunately, I do NOT have a million dollars...tested again today and surprise surprise is was still NEGATIVE! I will still test tomorrow but we all know that it will be negative. I now only have a 1% chance that it will show up positive tomorrow.. and I am not good when it comes to 1% chances for something good to happen.. I only get the "wow, this is rare and only 1% of people get this, so sorry" I have heard that numerous times in my life...

What is strange is I feel like I have let all of you down.. I also feel horrible that I can not give my husband the one thing he always thought he would have a lot of.. When we got married he joked about wanting 10 kids..and my stupid body can not even give him one.. I would not blame him at all if he blamed me or felt some sort of resentment towards me.. I mean it the roles were reversed.. who knows, I might feel that way..

Just so you all do not ask.. because I am so sick of people asking.. No we can not try again (maybe next year when we get our taxes back again or if we could somehow fall into money.. but last time I checked out money tree it was not producing anything).. not unless you are going to pay for it and come to my house and take over my day care for the 3 weeks that I would need to be gone... (reminder: Dr. said because of the horrible circumstances from this past time he would need to monitor me from day 2.. which would mean I would be gone about 3 weeks and it would almost quadruple the coast)...and please oh please don't say we should ADOPT.. Don't you think we would LOVE to adopt.. but you have to send a $15,000.00 check with your application and that is just the beginning of the money you would have to fork out to wait to be picked...
Now, if anyone knows of someone who wants to give their baby up for adoption and not use an agency and would want to just use a lawyer we are very interested..

If you are wanting to say something please refer back to my very first post about what NOT to say to someone who is dealing with infertility.. and please DO NOT say you understand or know how I feel unless you have been trying to have a baby for 4 years have had 2 miscarriages and has to come to terms with never having a child..Unless that has happened to you.. you do NOT understand or know how I feel.. you may sympathize or feel sad for me.. but understanding what I am going through is something you should not say to me...

At least tomorrow night we are having good friends over for the UFC Fights.. So at least I can start my pity party in style with good drinks and good good and good friends..

4yrs ago today I married my best friend and love of my life....

Today is our 4 year anniversary.. I can not believe it has been 4 years.. Time sure does fly...so tonight we are going out to dinner at Bosco's (a local Italian Restaurant).. It should be fun.. Today I am watching 3 little boys it is actually suppose to be warm today to bad the wind is so strong...

As for me I am now 12 days past iui and I tested again.. I mean once you start testing you might as well test everyday otherwise it eats at your brain all day.. and once again it was negative.. There is only about a 4% chance that I could still be pregnant.. Statistically it would have shown up by today...
So I will test again tomorrow and the last time on Saturday.. The Dr. told me it would for sure show up by Sat...

The National Infertility Awareness Week April 24-30, 2011...

This week is The National Infertility Awareness Week.. it is a great time for people to get information and know that this effect millions of women and men... Insurance companies do not cover anything because they think that testing and or procedures to help you conceive a child are unnecessary and "cosmetic"... I find that absolutely ridiculous when if you complain about a bad back to a Dr. long enough and he recommends you get a breast reduction your insurance will pay for that! How is having Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), Endometritis, blocked or missing fallopian tubes, or any other infetility cause not worth being covered.. My insurance, CIGNA, sucks so bad I actually need to call them today to dispute a claim.. They are saying they are NOT covering any of the blood-work that Dr. Bachus had me do before we started.. The final testing on what could have been causing my miscarriages... to me that should be considered "LOSS" and my insurance company does cover pregnancy and loss... Dr. Smothers (my OBGYN) called in a list of tests after my last miscarriage and they covered those.. so I am sure I will be on the phone forever today dealing with that.. I refuse to pay it.. it is $2000.00...

Needless to say, I am very annoyed and this snow does not make me in any better of a mood.

As for me during this 2ww.. again, I do not think I will have a positive outcome and the fear of having  to deal with the fact that we might be one of those couples who have to come to terms with never having kids is overwhelming me... I totally caved and tested today.. 11 days past iui.. it was negative.. I am hoping that I am just testing to early.. however, last February when I was pregnant I tested on 11 days past iui and it showed up positive.. I know that each time is different and there is a reason they said wait until Saturday to test.. but I couldn't help it..I found this quote and it makes perfect sense I will try and think positive..

"It is much more sensible to be an optimist instead of a pessimist, for if one is doomed to disappointment, why experience it in advance?" 

Could this week go by any slower?

So today is just another day of waiting... I am trying to hold myself back from doing a Google search on anything that involves the 2ww.. but the addiction takes over and I can not stop reading other peoples blog or list of symptoms from x amount of days post IUI.. I am trying very hard to stay positive but I just do NOT think I am pregnant.. I mean look at the odds.. If I did not get pregnant the first time I did it when I had 23 large viable eggs with over 500 million sperm implanted trying to find an egg what are my chances that one little egg will be?
James found out he leaves on Monday for 2 weeks to Odessa, Texas.. At least he will be here for the weekend to know if we are or aren't pregnant..

I think I have used almost all  the infertility comics

The waiting Game Sucks

I wish I knew where I could buy this shirt

Who ate way to much yesterday?

I hope everyone had a great Easter... I did and ate way to much... I am sure most of you are like me and after a holiday you feel the need to diet and start working out again.. That is how I feel.. I really want to go back on phase one of Ideal Protein and lose the 14lbs I have gained since October..Since I know that diet works and works fast.. I however, can not do that diet until I find out if I am preggo or not.. If I am not, like I have stated before I will take 2 days to do what I want and then I will go back on phase one.. and if I am there is no way I can go on that diet.. I really wish I had a bike I would love to start biking.. I might just have to go out and buy one.. I think it would be fun to bike with James in the evenings.. He has a nice bike so we would only have to buy one...

As for me.. I kept having a dream last night that the Dr. made me come in for a blood test and an ultrasound to see if I was pregnant and every time he was about to tell me I would wake up.. I mean completely wake up and sit up.. It was annoying.. Hope you all enjoy your Monday.. I know all of you who are teachers here in Natrona County are for sure enjoying your extra day off.. Until next time.. :D

Happy Easter...

Happy Easter everyone.. I hope everyone enjoys their day, whether it be church, relaxing, or dinner with family or friends.. For me my day will consist of having my parents, sister Audrey, brother-in-law Sean, nephew Jack, father-in-law Joe and Diane over for Easter brunch.. I made a sausage egg quiche.. I have the fixings for bloody Marys and mimosas.. as well as coffee and juice..My mother is bringing coffee cake and Diane is bringing fruit salad.. After brunch I think I will relax and probably get in the hot tub before getting ready to go to my parents for an Easter dinner...

I hope you all enjoy the comics I post everyday.. I do enjoy finding them to share with you all.. Hoppy Easter!

1 week down.. 1 week to go...

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.. My Saturday will be filled with grocery shopping, cleaning, making a breakfast casserole for tomorrows brunch and hopefully cleaning and organizing more of the garage so I can, one day, park in there..For those of you with kiddos I hope you enjoy the egg dying tonight..

As for me..I am actually getting nervous for next weekend.. I just have this strong feeling it will be a negative and I am not ready to face that yet... Something I am looking forward to is our 4th anniversary is on Thursday and I am hoping James will be in town this year.. So far he never has.. but if he is we will go out to dinner..

Happy Earth day.. Last HCG injection

Happy Earth day everyone.. and for those of you who did not know, if you bring in a mug to Starbucks you can get a free coffee! YAY for Earth day.. Today is my last day of the HCG injection.. now I will just have to wait 8 days to find out if that one egg did the trick or not...

 Today I do not have to watch any kiddos since everyone has off from work today.. So James and I are going to get our free coffee and return stuff to Home Depot and Menards..Jack and my sister are probably coming over later so they can sit in the new hot tub.. well, Jack will swim.. So far the first week of waiting has not  been to bad I am sure the second one will seem like forever..

Just another day...

There is not much to post today.. I am tired, but probably because I left my night guard at my Aunt Connie's in CO and I clench and grind my teeth at night if I do not wear it.. My jaw is killing me today.. Today I am just watching the little little boys.. and today so far it is easy.. they are loving bringing me books to read to them... Tomorrow is the last HCG injection..

Giving the kiddos an Easter egg hunt..

Today I am having an Easter egg hunt for the 6 cuties I watch and my friend Nicole and her 2 cuties.. I love doing fun things like this.. They get to hunt for plastic eggs filled with candy and toys, color bunny masks, have lunch and eat cup cakes.. This should make my day go by pretty fast.. which in turn will help yet another day go by helping these 14 days not feel like an eternity.. I also need to stop Goggling symptoms of 6dpo when you get a bfp.. (meaning symptoms of 6 days post ovulation when you get a big fat positive.. that is the lingo on the net)..
As for how I am feeling, I am feeling like I should be starting my cycle any moment.. light cramping, tender breasts, head ache... and so on and so forth.. however, pre-menstrual cycle symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are pretty much the same which is what makes the 2ww such hell..

HCG Injection day 2...

Today James had to give me a shot for the first time since it was on my bum.. The Dr. made a circle with sharpie on my skin to make sure James gets it in the right spot.. Today it was .5ml of hcg and on Friday I will do the last .5ml.. this is very different than last time.. Well, lets face it everything is different than last time.. But last time after the iui he had me take progesterone inserts as well as estrogen patches.. I asked why this time we were using the hcg every 3 days instead and he used the saying well it is "6 to one, half dozen to another".. They do the same thing.. Now if I am preggo as soon as I find out I will be on progesterone..

Notice the lovely circle.. ha ha

The Dr. still said to take a hpt on April 30, however, everything I have read states if you are using hcg you need to wait at least 10 sometimes 14 days since the last injection to do a test because you could get a false positive.. THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE.. I couldn't imagine getting all excited and then doing a blood test and it saying negative.. So now I might wait a few days longer in fear of a false positive..

Today should be another relaxing day.. One of my kiddos is still stick and did not come today and Jack has pre-school in the morning and does not get here until 11:30.. and Jack is the easiest kid.. he will just help us outside.. Since today might be the day that the electrical is done for our hot tub! Until next time...

Riding a roller coaster that won't stop...

Trying to conceive is like riding a roller coaster that won't stop. It's not so much going up that gets me—it's the fall on the other side. How can I stay positive while trying to conceive, especially when I  have had so much trouble getting pregnant? Here are 5 things I am going to do during this 2 week wait.

1. Take time for myself every day. Even if it's five or 10 minutes where I  put your feet up and zone out, it allows my body a quick recharge. When your life centers around trying to conceive the focus changes to the end result instead of the process. I need to not forget I am a part of the process, and it's important you remain healthy, clear, and balanced.

2. Writing in a Journal or Blogging is very important. I am very glad I started this blog it helps me get those negative emotions out of my head and allows me to check in with myself about what is going on and then how I can try flip it around to the positive.

3.  Believe in miracles. This one is a bit hard for me but I will sure try and believe that a miracle WILL happen to me.

4. Feel bad for a little while. If I have another negative it is okay to be sad and have a pity-party, however, I will only allow myself to be this way for 2 days.. After all, I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but I do need to express my feelings.

5. Appreciate what I do have. I am very lucky that I do have the wonderful husband who is also my best friend.. I was talking with a friend the other day and she was saying that she does not know that many couples who actually like to hang out with their husbands and they usually talk bad about their husbands.. I am so lucky that my husband is my best friend and we prefer to hang-out with each other.. This is something I took for granted thinking all marriages were like this.. So I am lucky.. I also have a new house that I LOVE.. and friends and family that mean the world to me.. I also am lucky to have 2 dogs who give me love every day.

Swim little swimmers....

Today we are heading home after a great night out at Dave & Busters with Amelia, Eli & the Ng Family.. Then Lauren & Quin got a babysitter and we went bowling.. It was a great night getting our minds off things.. Found this comic and thought I would share... Hope this is the kind of race the sperm are having..

Ornery egg...

So I went for my appointment this morning and had an ultrasound...

my uterine lining was thicker and the fluid pocket was a different shade, meaning he believed I have already ovulated he wanted to make sure so I went to the hospital for more blood-work.. He called when he got the results and it confirmed his thought, my progesterone levels were even higher than yesterday meaning I either ovulated yesterday or the day before.. That being the case our only option is to do an insemination today in hopes that I ovulated less that 48 hours ago (because an egg is only viable for 48hrs after it is released).. He had said he has NEVER seen this in his 20 yrs of practice.. His exact words were "this is so rare.. so rare that I have never seen this happen before" He was actually really pessimistic at first then apologized for being that way. So here is to hoping that my ornery egg that grew more than 2x the speed as my other eggs (I still have 10-15 on each side measuring 15mm each.. those poor little guys don't have a chance) meets with the sperm and gets me pregnant..

James had to go down to the "specimen room" and give us a sample...this is a picture of the room where he has to get in the "mood" and give us a cup of sperm...

Now if this room doesn't get you in the mood, I don't know what will....

After he came back they "wash" the sample.. sperm washing is required prior to an IUI because it removes chemicals, which may cause adverse reactions in the uterus. It also enhances the fertilizing capacity of the sperm. They also count and check the sperm count, sperm mobility and motility. When they came in they told James once again that he has "super sperm" and they hardly ever see a sample this great! so that is always a plus... It takes about 30 mins for them to do the washing of the sperm.. then it was go time for the insemination.

 It only takes a few minuets to do the insemination, then they have me lay there with my hips elevated.. Gravity could only help, right? They set a timer for 10 mins and set the sperm timer.. (James and I wanted to take the timer but we were the only patients in there so they would have known it was us)

Laying there for 10 mins feels like forever..

James and I before the insemination

Letting gravity to it's job...

James waiting.. hoping his "Super sperm" are meeting up with my egg

 So now we do not need to be seen again.. They did give me 1mL of HCG today and I will give myself .5mL of HCG on Tuesday and Friday.. and in 14 days I can take a pregnancy test.. The Dr. was joking in saying that if I do get pregnant my child will most likely be ornery since this egg sure was by not following directions..
So all we can do is try and be positive and hope this one little early bird egg does the trick..

I know, I know this was the longest post ever.. but a lot happened today.. Thanks for all of your support and positive thoughts and energy.. Tonight James and I are going to go to Dave and Busters with Lauren, Quin and my sister Ame and play like kids and try not to think about it...I will continue to post during my 2 week wait..

Update on Injection day 7..

So the Dr. called and said my hormone levels are high and my progesterone level is increasing.. now they want to see me first thing in the morning and they want James to be there.. They need to see what is going on but with my levels and increasing progesterone they are fearing I might be ovulating early.. If I end up missing this cycle and doing these drugs for nothing I will be so pissed and upset.. They said they might end up doing the insemination tomorrow and Sunday but we will know more tomorrow when I am checked... I am a bit nervous.. I am still feeling super uncomfortable and bloated.. I feel like my stomach is huge and you could pop me with a fork... blah... I am now at my sister Ame's house in Auroa, CO and later tonight James will come down.. I am needing positive thoughts that we will not miss our window, that the eggs grown big enough to inseminate on time, that I started feeling better and most of all super positive thoughts that it all works and I get pregnant.. (Nicole, you will shocked by this.. but go ahead and pray for me.. I mean what could it hurt)

Injection Day 7...Ultrasound Day 1...

So I had my appointment this morning, after a long restless night.. I had the worst stomach pain..Still just feel blah.. I hope it is just because my follicles are getting so big and not because I am getting sick.. So I was going to ask to take a picture, I had my phone on my stomach and I picked it up and the Dr. almost bit my head off.. He was all "what are you doing?, what are you doing with your phone?" so I said I was checking to see if James text me and put it down.. But I have about 6 follicles on each side.. I have about 3 on each side (meaning right and left ovary) that are measuring about 10mm ovulation induction will take place when they are about 20-25mm .. this is a picture of what it looks like.. Honestly, mine today looked identical to this, well I had 3 large ones..(this is just one side)

After the ultrasound they had me go to the hospital for blood-work.. but according to my file and the growth of my eggs looks like it is working like it did last time.. He is thinking the insemination's will be Tuesday & Wednesday, a day later than I had thought..but we shall see.. he does not need to see me now until Sunday! That is awesome.. heck that saves me about $480.00.. We will know more on Sunday and later today I should know my estradiol levels..

Injection Day 6...

Today is the last day of injections until my appointment, which is tomorrow morning.. I will continue to take the injections probably until Monday but now I will be monitored via ultrasound everyday.. After the kiddos get picked up today I will be heading down to Fort Collins, CO to stay with my Aunt Connie and Uncle Rob.. James should meet me down there some time tomorrow afternoon/ evening he said he will for sure be there for my Saturday morning appointment.. Tomorrows post will for sure be more informative..

Injection Day 5...

Yet another day of shots.. I am surprised that I have not been bruising like I did last year... I am also not nearly as emotional like I was last time on the Follistim.. which is great but makes me worried.. what if it is not working properly? I guess I will find out on Friday.. Enjoy the comic of the day :D

Injection Day 4... Cold almost gone

Today is just another day of giving myself and injection and watching kiddos... My cold is practically gone and I actually have energy today.. YAY! I am so looking forward to going down to Colorado for my appointments, not only for the reason of getting inseminated but it is like a vacation for me.. no work for a few days.. perhaps I can finish reading the book I started months ago.. Transistor Radio.. I found this comic and thought I should share.

 For all of you who think it would be "fun" to have tons of sex, you are wrong.. when it is timed and required it looses some of the joy...

Injection Day 3... Cold day 4..

Today was another day of injections.. this time I had an audience.. Jack, Kayberlee and Kinzlee insisted on watching me give myself a shot.. They were all telling each-other that I was going to cry, because shots hurt.. Their faces were so cute when I did not cry.. They told me I was so good and I am such a big girl for not crying. My cold is still here and is getting the best of me.. Not only do I have a cold I think I ruptured part of my ear last night.. I had severe pain, thinking I had an ear injection, I went to bed with a heating pad under my ear and woke up with liquid coming out and the pain gone.. Still clogged and swollen but a lot better than the extreme pain I was in last night. I took the kids to the park for a picnic today and it wore me out.. I can not wait for my energy to come back..

Injections Day 2...

I just injected my second day dose of Follistim.. Unfortunately, I still have a pretty bad cold so I have not been feeling very well... I do not remember if the last time I took Follistim I had a metallic taste in my mouth or not but this time I do.. Only lasts for an hour or so.. I am going to take it easy again today and hope I can kick this cold before I have to go down for my appointment.. and seriously, what is with this snow? I hope it really is warm tomorrow so the concrete guys can come and pour our concrete hot tub pad.. I can not wait for it to be done and to be able to relax in the hot tub..

Follistim injection Day 1...

Today is the first day of injections.. even though I have done this numerous times before I still get nervous I will do it wrong, even though it is pretty impossible to mess it  up while using the Follistim Pen.

 I am using 125IU (international units) of Follistim each day.. I am also taking Fortamet 2000mg a day (I have always taken Fortamet for my PCOS and was told I will always take it even through pregnancy) I also take a prenatal, multivitamin, vitamin D3, and extra folic acid...

 The one good thing about using the pen instead of a syringe is  the needle is so small it does not hurt at all going in. It does however sting for a bit after I give myself the shot.

 Tomorrow will be another day of shots... I am very excited and will only be thinking positive thoughts during my journey.. James is still in Canada and will be home next week, when I leave.. we are hoping things can work out for him to come down before he is needed for his "deposit". He has never been able to be there for the appointments that lead up to the IUI's and I would love for him to be there.. Even though it is my body going through this... this is OUR journey and I am glad that most of our appointments will be on a weekend so he can be there.. to hold my hand and take a picture of the ultrasound screen so you all can see pictures of our growing follicles..

I got the go ahead to start injections !

I went for blood-work and let me tell you.. never judge a book by its cover.. The phlebotomist who drew my blood was so nice and sweet.. even had children themed scrubs on.. then she drew my blood and hurt me had to poke more than once because it was in wrong the first time.. It is bad enough when I get it done because I have so much scar tissue on my arms due to the fact I get blood work so often.

A few hours later my Dr. called and said my levels came back in the normal range and I am able to start the injections tomorrow! So my first appointment is on Friday, April 15, 2011 at 9:00am..I will leave after work on Thursday and go and stay with my Aunt Connie in Ft. Collins until James is needed down, then we will get a hotel.

Today is Day 1...

So day is cycle day 1! I called Dr. Bachus and they said they want me to go in for a blood-work to check my Estradiol levels, which is pretty much my estrogen levels.. I am sure I will get the go ahead to start the meds tomorrow but I still get nervous.. Hopefully, all comes back in a good range and I start injections tomorrow.. If so my first appointment will be next Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and most likely my insemination's will be Monday and Tuesday..Fingers crossed everything goes as planned! Happy Friday everyone :D

Blood-work came back...

Dr. Bacus' office called this morning and said my lab work came back and all my levels were normal.. which pretty much means that there is no reason for my miscarriages..Part of me thinks if there was something wrong we then could fix it and know that was the problem and now worry so much about having another one.. Well, at least we know I am healthy and will have to just keep our fingers crossed that if I do get pregnant I do not lose it.. Faye, my nurse, also was wondering if I had started my cycle since she has not heard from me.. I told her no and what was funny is she actually said "that's just your luck, the one time you want it to come right away" I said that in last nights post.. Lets hope that my next post is about me starting injections and not me posting that I am still  waiting.. :D

Just my luck...

Just my luck the one time I take Provera and want my cycle to start right away, it doesn't... I have taken this drug numerous times before and usually start before I even finish the pills.. However, the pills stopped yesterday and as of today still no sign of starting.. The drug is designed to make you start your cycle (my polite way of saying starting my period) once you stop taking the meds and your body goes through a withdrawal.. It can take up to 10 days.. My fingers are crossed it does not take  that long.. Here is to hoping that I wake up with it.. Usually, you would never want that to happen, but for me the sooner the better.. Hopefully, my next post will be that I started and will be injecting my meds.. Fingers crossed it is tomorrow or Friday..

My drugs have arrived!

So FedEx delivered my drugs!

However, they delivered both boxes! I opened the one that was shipped yesterday for today.. Now I have to call the pharmacy and see how to return the shipment that was suppose to be here yesterday..It is sad that they will have to destroy the meds.. They are so expensive.. Wish I could keep them but I know that I would be charged another $1000.00 so I do not want to try that..

Now that I have them and they are safe in my refrigerator I am no longer stressed about when my cycle will start.. Now I do not care if it starts tomorrow..

My drugs are in Memphis

I was suppose to receive my Follistim this morning via FedEx.. when it never came I checked the tracking and noticed my drugs were shipped to Memphis! What the hell, this is time sensitive not only so I can take it on time but it has to  be refrigerated at all times.. This is why they ship it overnight wrapped in ice packs.. I called the pharmacy and they said that it is an error with FedEx and for some reason all the orders that were shipped from their pharmacy yesterday were shipped to Memphis, Tennessee...She said that she was going to overnight me another package that I should get tomorrow.. I better.. I do not need it for tomorrow, thank god. But who knows if I will need it Sunday or Monday.. I do not think I will need it until next week but you never know.. I am very lucky that I did not need it today.. I am hoping I get it in the morning!

That was just the icing on the cake after having a horrible day.. None of the kiddos napped today, ( for all of you who do not know, I run a day care)  I caught them peeing outside to make mud, realized my math was wrong and balanced my check book wrong and realized I had less money then I thought, found out that the morgage company who owns the mortage on our rental was sold again and states they did not recelive payement, yet the check was cashed! Needless to say I cried alot today and was very happy when it was over.. My husband is in Canada working and I miss him even more on days like these.. To make myself feel better I am vegging out with a movie and a bath and early bed! Tomorrow is a new day.. hopefully a new day with drugs!