Top 11 things NOT to say to someone dealing with Infertility

1)  You need to relax!
Of course, I was experiencing anxiety over this, but telling me that I need to relax sounds like you're blaming me.  Infertility is a kind of illness, a malfunction of one of the body's systems, so please treat it that way.  You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that she'll get well if she will "relax", would you?

(2)  You should just adopt!
Adoption?  Why, I've never heard of that!  You say you can pay thousands and thousands of dollars, have every aspect of your life scrutinized, get put on a potentially years-long waiting list, and then possibly have the biological parent change her mind?  Sign me up!
Seriously, though, this one really irks me.  After two miscarriages and several years of infertility testing and treatment, we were tapped out physically, financially and emotionally.
It's not just some kind of checklist you go through

1. Try naturally:  Check.  
2. Go through testing:  Check.  
3. Clomid and timed intercourse:  Check.  
4. Injectables and IUI:  Check.  
5. IVF:  Check.
6. Adoption:  Check. 

and only when you complete the checklist are you allowed to grieve your inability to have a child.  No matter where you stop, you're still allowed to grieve.

The fact that we have not adopted yet doesn't mean that we really don't want children bad enough.  We decided to start a family for the same reasons most people do - we wanted to create a being that was a part of us.  Is it selfish?  Of course it is.  So what?  Most people don't have to think twice about it, though.

 (3)  You want kids?  Please, take mine!
Oh, I get it.  Raising kids is hard!  Thanks, but I think I already knew this. And besides, I don't want your kids.  They're funny looking and rude (I'm kidding - your children are adorable). Also, you don't really mean this.  You're just trying to be cute, and you're not succeeding.

(4)  Everything happens for a reason.
Like, maybe, my potential child was going to be the next Hitler or Manson? Something like that? and when people add in "it was not in God's plan" really pisses me off.. all I have to say to that is was it in God's plan to have children born to crack whores? born to be molested and abused? and the list goes on... this is NOT in God's plan..
I don't actually know the reason for my miscarriages.   It's simple:  there is no reason for these things.
Would you ever tell a parent with a severely deformed child that there was a reason for it?
Sometimes bad stuff just happens, and that's that.  At least that's the way I look at things.  Please respect that.

(5)  Oh, you're still young.  It'll happen.
I'm not that young and how do you know it'll happen?
You are not see the future.  Don't give me false hope based on nothing more than your need to be "supportive".

(6)  Someone I know adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant!
Well that's certainly a good reason to adopt, isn't it?  I'm also pretty sure this doesn't always work.

 (7)  Have you tried acupuncture - meditation - standing on your head after sex, etc.?
Certainly not all at the same time!  But, yes, believe me, we explored just about every avenue, be it based on medical science or on an old wives tale.  Don't you think that we have tried everything we could?

(8)  I wish I had that problem all I have to do is think about being pregnant and bam!
So you're...what?  Super fertile?  There are things you can take for that, you know. It is called BIRTH CONTROL.  Now please go away and stop rubbing it in my face.

(9)  Just think of all the things you can do without kids... you are lucky you do not have to find a babysitter.
yes all we have thought about that and have even gone on  mini vacation only to look at families enjoying their vacation and still long for what we cannot have.. a family..

 (10) Just get drunk and have sex...
Yes, because all you need is a bit of alcohol to get pregnant.. who know that was the missing ingredient! Don't you think if timed intercourse and IUI's did not work then I am sure alcohol will not work either..

(11) When you stop trying it will happen!
Really? because I believe you actually need to have sex (or IUI or IVF) to get pregnant so if you stopped trying that would mean you would not be having sex and if you were it would be protected... so to NOT TRY will sure not get you pregnant!
In situations like this, here's a good rule of thumb:  Not every opinion that is in your head needs to be voiced.
I know that people want to help, they want to be encouraging, and they want to say something.  I truly appreciate all of the people who listened, who cared, who prayed, and who felt some empathy with us.  I don't believe that any of the inappropriate things people may have said were said with out of spite.  The same principles can be applied to any other situation where someone is suffering and you want to say something.  Best thing to do is acknowledge the pain, offer your support, and express your hope that things will get better.
If someone shares their infertility issues with you, I think the best thing to say is something like this, "I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know it's difficult, and I hope things work out for you.  Let me know if there's anything I can do."