So, I know it has been a long time since I have last posted
in my blog. I have had so much going on in my life; Weddings, birthdays, my
husband's back surgery, Christmas, new years, the death of someone so dear to
me, the birth of my new nephew Emerson Frank Read Egan and James telling me he
is ready to adopt...
After our last failed attempt of fertility treatments, the
Dr. told me that once I hit 32 (which is
this year) that my chances are about less than 1% to conceive. So, we took a
break...We had to 'heal' from the multiple
failed attempts and two miscarriages. I have always known that I wanted a baby
and that I would want to adopt a child. It has been a lot harder for James to get on board. I am sure it is difficult for a lot of people
once they realize that having your own
biological child is out of the question.
Even though I wanted to jump right into the next step, which
for me was adoption, I knew we needed some time off from 'baby talk'. James was
"over" the whole fertility thing. To be honest, emotionally I needed
a break from it all as well. Finding out that my sister was pregnant (around
the same time we found out that I was NOT pregnant on my last attempt of fertility
treatment, which cost us a lot of money)
really did put me in a downward spiral of jealousy, self-pity and utter sadness.
These feelings ultimately started to consume
me. I knew that my jealousy of any mother, pregnant woman, and hatred for anyone who was
"young" and pregnant or has a child, was controlling my life. I hated
that I felt that way, but I could not control these negative feelings. It was
utterly consuming all my emotions. So after
months of learning to cope with not
having a child and deal with the emotions, I think I have now come to a place where I can
move on.
At the beginning of the year I also took a good look at my
life. I realized that I should close my daycare. I love all the children I
watched but knew that running a daycare when I could not have kids was like a slap
in the face. I knew I needed to get out of the house and deal with adults. I
also determined that I had to de-clutter
my home of toys and constant reminders that I do not have any children of my
own. For the sake of sanity, I closed my daycare in January and got a job doing
taxes. It is a seasonal job so I am still looking for more permanent
employment. My current job will end around April 15th. It is unimaginable how
much happier I am now that I have a job outside the house. I have sold most of
my kids stuff and both rooms that used to be playrooms are now guest rooms...for
now.
I honestly, slowly started to except that fact that it will
be James and I for the rest of our lives (with our dogs, Duke and June Bug of
course). Then, when James and I went out for dinner for Valentine's Day, he
told me that he is ready to adopt. He knows that it does not matter how we have
a child, but we should have one. We will be wonderful parents.. This was the
greatest gift...ever ( and that was not even the "gift").
So now we are in the overwhelming stage of figuring out where
to start. We are looking into three different possibilities.
1. We are looking into surrogacy as an option. I so wish I
'knew' someone who would be our surrogate instead of finding a stranger do it.
However, it is really expensive to use a surrogate agency.
2. We are looking into adoption from an agency.
3. Fostering a baby in hopes that we can adopt. After all
there are many babies going into foster care that need families to adopt them.
Money, sadly, will be
an issue for any of these.
If any of you know someone
wanting to put a baby up for adoption please let me know. If you know of, or have used an adoption agency or surrogate agency, I would love to hear about
it.
I have requested information from about 7 adoption agencies
and we are waiting for their packets. We should have all the info from the promising
agencies within a month so we can choose and send in our application and start
the home study process. Of course it would be awesome if we lucked out and came
across someone who wanted to give their baby up for adoption. We would only
have to pay the cost of legal fees. We are not, however, waiting around for
that... I am now in the process of not only looking at adoption agency's but
also having our home study done which is a crucial part of the adoption
process..
Tomorrow I am going to call the State and make an appointment for James
and I to talk to someone about fostering/adopting. I am very excited that James
and I are in this together. We are both excited about knowing our dream of
having a family (even though it is not the old fashioned way) is going to come
true.
So here we go... the next chapter in our lives.
I would like to thank you all in advance for your love and
support as we start the adoption process and get closer and closer to our dream
of a family. If anyone has any advice, connections, or words of wisdom, please
share...
